Arctic apocalypse lays waste to North America, Canada unaffected

by philapilus

Canada has put on a coat, and might even wear its scarf

Canada announced this morning that it didn’t mind that the world’s unbiased media were going on and on about the imminent icy destruction of the USA, and completely ignoring its neighbour to the North.

“We’re basically fine, there’s no need to worry about us!” said some bloke, who is the current president or king, or whatever it is Canada has.

“Even though we share the same continent, we really can’t claim to be anywhere near as newsworthy as the US, and you should focus all your reporting on how people in Florida are putting on sweaters for the first time ever.”

News agencies the world over have described how a weak Polar vortex has failed to contain icy winds and Frost Giants, inevitably leading to Ragnarok, and the forthcoming destruction of America. 

As usual, Canada has largely failed to achieve even a brief mention in any of these reports.

A recent poll of American citizens showed that 54% believed Canada was a fabled, sunken kingdom like Atlantis, whilst another 31% thought it was “Probably somewhere near France”.

Of the remaining 15%, around half only knew where Canada was because they were building bunkers and fortifying their homes against the potential threat of war with the Northerly country.

Canadian Mounted Policeman, Tom Canuk, said “Yes it’s cold here too, but as a nation we consist entirely of Mounties, lumberjacks, and grizzly bears, so we’re kind of used to it.

“Also, we’re not complete pussies who fall apart every time we face some sort of crisis that can’t be solved with assault weaponry and explosive munitions.”

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