Archive for January 7th, 2014

January 7, 2014

New 60 mph speed limit ‘threat to humanity’

by unpseudable

Blah, blah, blah, fast cars, blah, blah, blah, cute little bunny, blah, blah, blah, finished it off with a tyre iron

Proposals for a 32 mile section of the M1 to be restricted to 60 mph have been hailed by drivers as a potential precursor to the coming apocalypse.  Whilst the move is ostensibly being put forward to tackle air pollution, some see it as the ushering in of a new satanic totalitarian state.

Nick Dobend, spokesperson for Driving Is Cool, Keep Speediness, said, “This is the thin end of the wedge, opening up the way for the government to take our homes and children, and – God forbid – our cars.  It’s yet another example of the nanny state meddling in people’s God-given right to drive as they wish.  We predict the collapse of western civilization by Thursday morning. 

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January 7, 2014

“I will become more insane” vows Farage

by philapilus

“Tell you what; you know how we keep having to insist we’re not racist? We could stop doing that for starters…”

Nigel Farage has promised to up his game today, after media claims that his views no longer sufficiently alienated most of the UK.

As a survey revealed that over 75% of the British public now wanted immigration cut, concerns rose amongst senior UKIP members that they might no longer be seen as the batshit-mad party, and could even gain support from ordinarily quite rational people.

On learning of the troubling statistics during a press Q&A, Mr Farage appeared initially puzzled, then increasingly panic-stricken, and eventually

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January 7, 2014

Benedict Cumberbatch to build giant Ark

by philapilus

Many think the flooding is all just another ludicrously expensive government scheme to get rid of these guys…

Benedict Cumberbatch was today asked to build a large wooden boat, in which to preserve two animals from every extant British species, because of the continuing disappearance of the UK into the sea.

As a combination of rainwater, flooding, and massive waves claimed the West Country this morning, Cumberbatch confirmed he had been approached by the prime minister and the Archbishop of Canterbury.

“I told them I was no Noah, but they said ‘Benedict, there is no Russell Crowe in this country. You are the closest thing we have. Here’s a power saw and some nails. Get on with it.’

“David Attenborough is

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January 7, 2014

Arctic apocalypse lays waste to North America, Canada unaffected

by philapilus
File:IceStormPowerLines.png

Canada has put on a coat, and might even wear its scarf

Canada announced this morning that it didn’t mind that the world’s unbiased media were going on and on about the imminent icy destruction of the USA, and completely ignoring its neighbour to the North.

“We’re basically fine, there’s no need to worry about us!” said some bloke, who is the current president or king, or whatever it is Canada has.

“Even though we share the same continent, we really can’t claim to be anywhere near as newsworthy as the US, and you should

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