2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any work):

Nigella Lawson in ‘married to utter arsehole’ shock

Cameron and Clegg in secret love triangle with Mugabe

Romania and Bulgaria ready to be airlifted across the North Sea and joined up to the East coast of England

Defence Secretary fires Isle of Wight into space, ‘where it can do no more harm’

‘NSA doesn’t give a shit about me’ weeps unmonitored Vince Cable

St Jimmy Savile canonised by Catholic Church for ‘ministry to children’

Lid falls off Pandora’s box, Jason Donovan found inside

‘I am surprised, but honoured’ John Major wins Oscar for Best Director

Scientists make up huge bunch of shit too complex for normal people to disprove

‘You’re fired!’ God sacks Pope Benedict, Apprentice-style

Duchess of Cambridge ‘inexplicably fat’

Fox News reporters’ team wins Super Bowl

Baroness Thatcher finally defeated in her lair by heavily-armoured Tom Daley on horseback

Plague of locusts, bailiffs and S Club 7 accompanies birth of Royal Prince

US government shutdown: ‘We just can’t be assed’ say lazy, fat Americans

Creationists discover God-particle inside Squeezy Cheese

South Africa: Morgan Freeman accidentally buried alive in Mandela’s grave

H from Steps crucified by Daily Mail readers

Russia resets calendar to 1001 AD

Vinnie Jones ‘technically too stupid to breathe’ say doctors

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