Middle class Christmas dinners “not actually prepared by Heston personally”

by philapilus
English: Heston Blumenthal at Taste Of London ...

‘I’ve got piles of cash this high back at home’

Waitrose shoppers have expressed considerable disappointment this morning, on discovering that all the ridiculously expensive Heston Blumenthal Christmas foodstuffs they’ve purchased were not actually hand-made by the chef.

The news that Blumenthal merely created and lent his name to a range, which was then made by exactly the same people who make all the other stuff you normally buy, has enraged avid advert-appreciators, who thought Waitrose were offering dishes personally prepared by the chef at the Fat Duck.

“I’m furious,” said Mrs Tory Wright, mother of Crispin, Clarissa and Clarence, “I spent £4200 having a massive window put in, specially so the neighbours would see me serving a posh dinner they could only dream of having. And then Ocado delivered it all, and it’s just basically normal food in normal cardboard packaging.

“No special note from Heston, no certificate of authenticity; nothing. I might as well have just got the Tesco value range like we did last year.”

 Mike Ock, Food Retail Consultant at Waitrose, said “Amazingly, middle class customers still fall for our old ruse of slapping some famous chef’s name on something, and trebling the price.

“We’re having this ongoing piss-take competition with the lads over at Sainsbury’s. This year they’ve got this signature Jamie Oliver Brandy Butter for twenty-five quid, which sold out immediately.

“We’re going to up the ante next Christmas, and sell individually packaged peas, ‘salted with the tears of Heston’s children’ for a fiver a pop. We trialled them at a shopping centre last week, and two women actually fought to the death over the last pea.”

In the meantime, swathes of Britain’s middle classes are facing the prospect of a weird-tasting Christmas dinner, for which they’ve remortgaged the house.

Ivor Biggun, pretentious wannabe, said “In some slightly indefinable way I had this feeling that Heston would actually be turning up, mingling with a whole house-full of my friends and family, whilst preparing exquisite foodstuffs, and generally making me seem like the champion party-thrower of all time.

“Instead I have the same boring three relations turning up in an hour, and I have to serve this Christmas Pudding containing ‘a grapefruit roasted in sesame oil and nutmeg, then stuffed with white truffle and garlic souffle’.

“I am going to look like a complete pillock.”

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