Disgruntled Christmas workers planning revenge

by philapilus


Hypodermic syringe

“What is that terrible smell?”

People who for whatever reason do not have today off work, have expressed a profound desire to exact revenge on absent, holidaying colleagues.

Wendy Nailinthehead, office grunt for Peterborough council, said “At the Christmas party my boss told us ‘someone’ had to come in Monday. Someone turned out to be me. Every other bastard is off.

“The only thing getting me through the day is stealing personal items and petty cash from everyone’s desks. So far I have £4.71, and a bunch of shitty little toys, which I will burn in the carpark during my lunchbreak.”

Mike Ock from London said “I knew today was going to be awful, so I got my hands on a hypodermic syringe, and I shall be spending the morning injecting out-of-date milk into the chair-cushions of every single person who is on holiday.

“God, is that going to stink by the time they come back next week.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Institute of Jealousy and Resentment at Slough Civic Amenity Site, said “Generally speaking, pretty much anyone having to work today is going to be experiencing rage, envy and a deep desire to perpetrate pscychotically violent acts.

“I was going to back that up with statistics, but I am so fucking angry about being in the office that instead I shall just use the HR database to find out where all my colleagues live, so I can go and spread dogshit on their front doors in the middle of the night.” 

Many people, however, have expressed equal – if not greater – levels of resentment towards customers and members of the public.

Christina Coals, a librarian from Southend, said “I am the only one in my department who didn’t have enough leave left to take today off. Hence I will be manning the library alone. I have acquired a petri dish containing a virulent strain of the Ebola virus, and intend to make every single reader who comes in today pay dearly for their intrusion.”

Professor McEyebrau said “You think this is bad? Wait till you see what the poor sad fuckers who have to work tomorrow are planning…”

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