Archive for December 23rd, 2013

December 23, 2013

Cameron: ‘If I’m like Enoch, then Vince Cable is Mussolini’

by philapilus
English: Nick Clegg and Vince Cable

Vince and Nick “or Benito and Adolf, as I like to call ’em!” sneered Shapps

Senior tories have rounded on Vince Cable, after the Business Secretary suggested current immigration concerns are slightly reminiscent of earlier panics, such as the one which precipitated Enoch Powell’s infamous ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech.

Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said Cable was “Like an uppity house negro who’s powdered his face and thinks he can ‘strut wid’ de masser'”, while Nigel Mills, MP for Amber Valley, called Cable “a demented hellspawn, who should be hung from the gallows after such base treachery on a TV programme.”

The prime minister, who was told by the chairman that Cable had definitively called him “The dog-sodomising offspring of Thatcher and Enoch Powell” reportedly told Shapps to

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December 23, 2013

Middle class Christmas dinners “not actually prepared by Heston personally”

by philapilus
English: Heston Blumenthal at Taste Of London ...

‘I’ve got piles of cash this high back at home’

Waitrose shoppers have expressed considerable disappointment this morning, on discovering that all the ridiculously expensive Heston Blumenthal Christmas foodstuffs they’ve purchased were not actually hand-made by the chef.

The news that Blumenthal merely created and lent his name to a range, which was then made by exactly the same people who make all the other stuff you normally buy, has enraged avid advert-appreciators, who thought Waitrose were offering dishes personally prepared by the chef at the Fat Duck.

“I’m furious,” said Mrs Tory Wright, mother of Crispin, Clarissa and Clarence, “I spent

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December 23, 2013

Disgruntled Christmas workers planning revenge

by philapilus

 

Hypodermic syringe

“What is that terrible smell?”

People who for whatever reason do not have today off work, have expressed a profound desire to exact revenge on absent, holidaying colleagues.

Wendy Nailinthehead, office grunt for Peterborough council, said “At the Christmas party my boss told us ‘someone’ had to come in Monday. Someone turned out to be me. Every other bastard is off.

“The only thing getting me through the day is stealing personal items and petty cash from everyone’s desks. So far I have £4.71, and a bunch of shitty little toys, which I

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