Santa Claus ‘replaced by drone’

by philapilus
Book illustration, pen drawing

He gets wood, then goes visiting children with his rod in his hand. What the hell is sinister about that?

A few weeks after Amazon revealed its plans to introduce delivery drones in the near future, Santa Claus has today announced that he will also cease personal deliveries – possibly as early as this Christmas.

Speaking after a photoshoot in which Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart were pictured sitting on his knees, Father Christmas said “To be quite honest with you I think this may be my last appearance.

“I am just so sick and tired of constantly getting accused of being a raging paedo. Nowadays I can’t even let someone sit on my lap unless it is an elderly male actor. Well fuck that. They’re heavy, and they can’t stop farting.

“From now on I am just going to deliver presents to the children of the world using high-tech, military-grade flying robots, and I am not bloody leaving the North Pole.”

Santa explained that over the last few months he had been subject to “constant harrassment” from officers involved in Operation Yewtree, had been assaulted in several shopping malls by morons, and had received a huge volume of hatemail.

But Father Christmas said the tipping point  in his decision to convert to unmanned operations was when he found the words ‘Yoo’re the one who should watch out! Yoo won’t be cumming to our town, fuckin pedo!’ scrawled on his sleigh by adults from Newcastle.

Santa Claus added “Also drones would be awesome for taking out Australia. Fucking lucky bastards with their bloody sunshine on bloody Christmas day.”

A spokesman for the Claus franchise said “This is a sad day – when a sweet, lovely old man is chased out of his job because of baseless accusations.

“Everyone knows Father Christmas is no kiddy-fiddler. He gets all his jollies brutally sodomising little elves; what does he need human children for?”

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