EU migrants to face 100 ‘most dastardly questions’ IDS can devise

by philapilus
English: Iain Duncan Smith-Nightingale House-M...

Shown here retaking O-level Maths for the 47th time, it is believed that Duncan Smith (who lied about having studied at the University of Perugia) thinks exams are the worst fate anyone can suffer

From today all EU migrants wanting to come to the UK will have to answer 100 questions written by Iain Duncan Smith, and then allow him to spit in their mouths, before they can claim benefits.

A spokesperson for the Department of Work and Pensions said “Immigration is a huge worry for us. We’ve all been basically running around the office, waving our hands in the air and screaming constantly, for about ten months now.

“Most mornings when I’ve taken the Minister his coffee, I’ve found him sitting under his desk, gently rocking backwards and forwards, muttering ‘Bulgarians, Romanians, millions of them…millions of them…’

“But last week Iain said; hey, what if we just make them all do something really nasty, like an exam? No one passes exams, right?”

The Habitual Residence Test’s first incarnation, consisted of questions about UK culture and a general assessment of the subject’s ability to speak English.

But this had to be shelved, after a pilot scheme revealed almost 83% of native Britons (including the Minister), would fail, and therefore have to be deported to Romania or Bulgaria.

A new test was subsquently devised, in which each applicant will have to personally satisfy Duncan Smith as to how brilliant they genuinely think he is, then allow him to spit in their mouth. And swallow.

Questions include:

  • What is the unique quality that makes the current Minister for Work and Pensions so brilliant?
  • Why are Labour such a bunch of gaylords?
  • Ed Miliband; good, or total bastard who I want to kick every time I see him in the corridor?
  • Where are the best sites in Essex for dogging – you know, just out of curiosity?

“This is a fair and robust test,” said Mr Duncan Smith, “and will allow us to ensure that the people we let into our country are right-thinking, potential tory vote- ah, that is, um, potential good workers.”

Asked to explain why he had to spit in the mouth of each migrant, Mr Duncan Smith said “I knew you’d bring that up, bloody liberal media. For your information I take absolutely no pleasure in it, but it is a vital part of the administrative procedure, and not in any way at all done for cheap personal titillation.”




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