British secret agent ‘never existed’

by philapilus
Shape of Walther PPK

A substitute penis for so many men through the ages, Bond never actually used the Walther PPK -mostly because he’s a make-believe character

Britain’s fans of espionage were in a state of shock today, after doctors from Nottingham and Derby proved that national hero, James Bond “is not a real person”.

A team of GPs announced today that “There’s no way that a complete alcoholic could sustain a job as a high-performing assassin and undercover operative for sixty years and counting.

“We’re sorry, but we’re pretty sure this means he isn’t real.”

The startling revelation has saddened thousands of men, whose otherwise woefully dull lives were briefly made bearable whilst vicariously enjoying the violence Bond perpetrates, in what were thought to be documentary films.

But quick-witted Nottingham GP, Dr Dick Head, said his suspicions were aroused whilst enjoying several of the ‘documentaries’ back-to-back, “And then before my eyes, 007 – who started out looking a lot like Sean Connery – suddenly started to resemble Roger Moore. Uncannily so, in fact.

“I decided to investigate, so I formed a workgroup, and we all read Ian Fleming”s 12 volume biography of Bond.

“Through a careful medical analysis we call ‘counting’,  we then worked out that James Bond was supposedly flying jetplanes and simultaneously engaging in prolonged martial arts fights, despite drinking the equivalent of four litres of Vodka a day, at the age of around 100 years old.

“There’s just no way he could do that.”

Head’s colleague, Dr Arsewit added “I suppose the fact that he is an insufferably arrogant prick, who uses his own name all the time on secret missions, but still never gets rumbled, should have been a bit of a giveaway too.” 

Decorator Ian Twat said “This is awful. It’s like they’ve chopped my knob off.”

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