Archive for December 13th, 2013

December 13, 2013

British secret agent ‘never existed’

by philapilus
Shape of Walther PPK

A substitute penis for so many men through the ages, Bond never actually used the Walther PPK -mostly because he’s a make-believe character

Britain’s fans of espionage were in a state of shock today, after doctors from Nottingham and Derby proved that national hero, James Bond “is not a real person”.

A team of GPs announced today that “There’s no way that a complete alcoholic could sustain a job as a high-performing assassin and undercover operative for sixty years and counting.

“We’re sorry, but we’re pretty sure this means he isn’t real.”

The startling revelation has

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December 13, 2013

EU migrants to face 100 ‘most dastardly questions’ IDS can devise

by philapilus
English: Iain Duncan Smith-Nightingale House-M...

Shown here retaking O-level Maths for the 47th time, it is believed that Duncan Smith (who lied about having studied at the University of Perugia) thinks exams are the worst fate anyone can suffer

From today all EU migrants wanting to come to the UK will have to answer 100 questions written by Iain Duncan Smith, and then allow him to spit in their mouths, before they can claim benefits.

A spokesperson for the Department of Work and Pensions said “Immigration is a huge worry for us. We’ve all been basically running around the office, waving our hands in the air and screaming constantly, for about ten months now.

“Most mornings when I’ve taken the Minister his coffee, I’ve found him sitting under his desk, gently rocking backwards and forwards, muttering ‘Bulgarians, Romanians, millions of them…millions of

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