Football to end next year

by articulatedsheep

FIFA, the world football governing body, has announced that all football will end next year.

Since the rules of the game were codified in 1863, clubs and national teams around the world have vied with one another to establish which is best at football. However, with the 150th anniversary of this codification now having past and the world no nearer to establishing which team is, ultimately, the best, the decision has been made to wind the whole thing up.

Originally, it was thought that it would only be necessary to play football for ten years in order to establish who was best at it. However, this period was progressively extended and since the Second World War, commentators have secretly feared that football could, if unchecked, go on forever.

“Every year we have this debate,” said Sepp Blatter, the circumspect and honourable FIFA chairman whose time at the head of the organisation has been seen by many as constituting a ‘golden age’ of probity and fair play. “Most of us say, ‘Look, let’s just end it now, we’re getting no further forward, we’re never going to agree who’s best,’, and someone always says, ‘Let’s give it another year, you never know;’.”

The difficulty of establishing which team is the best seems to derive from the fact that new players emerge, and old ones retire, amongst other complicating factors. But FIFA has now committed itself to ‘wrapping up’ football conclusively by summer 2014, by looking at club and national performances over the last century, aggregating them and then ranking them in order. The team judged to have won football overall will be given a nice bowl and some John Lewis vouchers. In a deal agreed by the UN, the national team agreed to be the best overall will get a free pass to invade any other country without any comebacks.

Football enthusiasts have been considering how to spend their time now, with FIFA’s mood thought to be emboldening the governing bodies of other sports to do the same thing. ‘Up until now,’ said Swindon Town supporter Phil Archetype, ‘my Saturdays were spent paying £20 for the privilege of screaming guttural obscenities at people I’d never met and driving for eight hours around the country to stand in the cold and wet, watching men half my age kick around a ball. Now football’s ending, I’m thinking of taking up brass rubbing, or just sitting quietly on a still winter’s afternoon in the local park, watching buzzards soar above the bare treetops and marvelling at the wonder and beauty of creation.”

Meanwhile, the BBC has announced that Robbie Savage and Alan Hansen will be humanely destroyed. Reacting to the decision, Hansen said, “It’s woeful, just woeful.”

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