Breaking News: Mandela “still dead”

by philapilus
English: Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg, Gaute...

Pretty much still like this, only more horizontal, and less smiley

Last updated 43 seconds ago

The world’s media have again confirmed that Nelson Mandela is still dead, and shows little to no sign of improvement.

After the news broke three minutes ago that Mandela remained a corpse, mourners continued to file past the open casket in their thousands, to pay their final respects, say goodbye to a beloved leader, and continuously check his pulse.

Mandela – or ‘Madiba’ as everyone is now pretending they knew he was also called – is linked to a bank of life-support machines, which constantly monitor his lack of heartbeat, breathing or indeed any other sign of life.

This enables the world’s media to keep you constantly updated on his corpse’s wellbeing. Or rather, his not-well-being.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, Head of Death at Slough Crematorium College, said “We can only assume that it is profound fears of undead re-animation that motivate every news organisation on Earth to repeatedly focus on Mandela’s death over and over and over.

“Perhaps they’re worried he is going to come back as a vampire or zombie, or something.

“Personally I think they’re somewhat milking it, but I’m not saying anything, because if he gets up and starts wreaking revenge upon the living I’ll look like a total idiot.”

In other news:

  • Morgan Freeman is still alive: “Will you all just stop asking?”
  • Idris Elba to star in three epic sequels to Mandela film, all focussing on events since the death of Madiba: “Lying in a coffin for 16 on-screen hours straight will be my toughest role”
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