‘Barmy cult’ promoted to ‘barmy religion’ status

by philapilus
L. Ron Hubbard in Los Angeles, California.

“If you pile this much cash in front of me, I’ll tell you all the secret mysteries of the universe…”

The Supreme Court yesterday ruled that “big pile of flannelwank”, Scientology, is to be elevated from amongst the world’s batshit-mad cults to join the ranks of the batshit-mad religions.

Lord Chief Justice, Justin Lord-Judge, said “Scientology is a huge bunch of arse, and as such it is beyond the realm of possibility that any free-thinking, vaguely rational person would consider it as anything other than make-believe babble.

“However, it is no more ridiculous than any of the other huge bunches of arse making supernatural claims, such as Islam, Buddhism, Judeo-Christianity, Hinduism, or the Conservative party.

“Therefore, as of today, Scientology’s mentally unstable adherents are officially allowed to call themselves members of a religion, rather than ‘ brainless cultist freakshows’, as has been the legal term until now.”

Scientology, which was famously started by get-rich-quick schemer L. Ron Hubbard, has attracted numerous celebrities and serious actors, as well as complete up-their-own-arse talentless tossers, such as Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Juliette Lewis.

Scientologist Mr Dick Cheese said today “This is a great day for all of us. Almost as great as the day when my innermost thetan self travelled across time and space, from 27th century Jupiter, to reincarnate here on Earth.

“By the way, is anyone else seeing those blue and yellow monkeys climbing up the wall, or is it just me?”

But government minster Eric Pickles said “Scientology’s now a religion? So it will get tax-breaks? And be allowed to perform legal marriages? And its exponents will be invited onto news programmes to give ‘the religious point of view’? Excuse me a moment.”

He then banged his head repeatedly on the desk until achieving unconsciousness.

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