Archive for December 12th, 2013

December 12, 2013

Football to end next year

by articulatedsheep

FIFA, the world football governing body, has announced that all football will end next year.

Since the rules of the game were codified in 1863, clubs and national teams around the world have vied with one another to establish which is best at football. However, with the 150th anniversary of this codification now having past and the world no nearer to establishing which team is, ultimately, the best, the decision has been made to wind the whole thing up.

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December 12, 2013

Mandela memorial event signer had acid flashback

by philapilus
English: Nelson Mandela Statue Nelson Mandela ...

“In my mind’s eye Madiba turned into this enormous beast and started attacking the symbols of Western Imperialism. That’s when I knew it had ‘gone bad’.”

The interpreter responsible for translating speeches into sign language during the memorial service for Nelson Mandela has blamed his completely nonsensical interpretation on “a crazy acid flashback”.

In an interview posted on the Grateful Dead’s website,, Mr Dyantyi said “It was, like, craaaaazy daddio! Lights and stars and rainbows everywhere, bursting into fireworks of spiritual evanescence. And beautiful pink badgers started appearing all over the stadium.

“Then, quite suddenly, a cohort of zebras marched past, telling me to wave my hands to the groovy

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December 12, 2013

Breaking News: Mandela “still dead”

by philapilus
English: Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg, Gaute...

Pretty much still like this, only more horizontal, and less smiley

Last updated 43 seconds ago

The world’s media have again confirmed that Nelson Mandela is still dead, and shows little to no sign of improvement.

After the news broke three minutes ago that Mandela remained a corpse, mourners continued to file past the open casket in their thousands, to pay their final respects, say goodbye to a beloved leader, and continuously check his pulse.

Mandela – or ‘Madiba’ as everyone is now pretending they knew he was also called – is linked to

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December 12, 2013

‘Barmy cult’ promoted to ‘barmy religion’ status

by philapilus
L. Ron Hubbard in Los Angeles, California.

“If you pile this much cash in front of me, I’ll tell you all the secret mysteries of the universe…”

The Supreme Court yesterday ruled that “big pile of flannelwank”, Scientology, is to be elevated from amongst the world’s batshit-mad cults to join the ranks of the batshit-mad religions.

Lord Chief Justice, Justin Lord-Judge, said “Scientology is a huge bunch of arse, and as such it is beyond the realm of possibility that any free-thinking, vaguely rational person would consider it as anything other than make-believe babble.

“However, it is no more ridiculous than any of the other huge bunches of arse making supernatural claims, such as Islam, Buddhism, Judeo-Christianity, Hinduism, or the Conservative party.

“Therefore, as

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