Obama: “Mandela was a twat”

by articulatedsheep

US President Barack Obama has used his address to the memorial service for Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg to launch a blistering attack on the former South African President.

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he'd have wanted to be sent off

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he’d have wanted to be sent off

Appearing in front of a capacity crowd at the FNB Stadium, Obama started his address by saying, “I expect you want me to stand in front of you and say a load of fawning guff about Madiba, about how I was humbled in his presence, all that crap.”

“Well, no. He was a dick and I don’t mind saying so.”

Obama spent more than three hours listing Mandela’s defects, including a long, rambling anecdote relating an incident when the two men were sitting next to each other at an official dinner and Mandela stole Obama’s bread roll.

“Then, cool as you like,” Obama concluded, his voice rising to an incredulous yell, “he turns to me and says, ‘Oh look! They’ve given me two rolls, I’ve got one this side of me as well!’ And, get this, he casually picks it up and pops it into his mouth. Grade A wanker.”

Attacking Mandela’s time in prison, Obama said, “Anyone can loaf around for twenty-seven years in a cell, chatting to his mates. Do you know how hard I had to work to become President? Endless campaigning, absolute exhaustion, interminable sittings of Congress to sit through, honing my trade. Meanwhile, Morgan Freeman here just sits with his feet up in a prison cell, reading fucking books. ‘Oh, I can’t see very well now, the sunlight hurt my eyes when I was breaking up rocks with a hammer!’ Well, pardon me if I have no fucking sympathy whatsoever.”

“And what the hell was with the shirts? What, you think that being a political prisoner for most of your adult life gets you a let-off from having to wear a suit? Honestly, I think that for most of the last twenty years he was just phoning it in.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m glad he’s dead. But, you know.”

David Cameron, meanwhile, made his tribute by appearing in blackface, saying, “Today, we share in your celebration of Madiba’s life – his legacy, a multicultural, rainbow nation. Today, we are all black.” Gesturing to the boot polish smeared on his face, he continued. “They said that this would go down well. But from your reaction I’m guessing not. Should I have done my hands as well?”

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