Archive for December 10th, 2013

December 10, 2013

Miller explains decision to stand down at 2015 election

by articulatedsheep

Andrew Miller, MP for Ellesmere Port and Neston, has explained his reasons for standing down from his seat at the 2015 General Election.

Miller: "was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben"

Miller: “was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben”

Mr. Miller, currently chair of the Commons Science and Technology Select Committee, has represented the Cheshire seat since 1992.

“I am actually mechanical, and am operated by a tiny man who sits in my belly, controlling my movements via a complicated system of weights and pulleys.” said the MP, explaining his decision. “As you will appreciate, keeping up this ruse for more than twenty years has been particularly wearing, and I think I deserve a bit of a rest before moving on.”

Miller, whose long-standing interest in science issues is said to derive from the need to understand and better refine his complex internal workings, is constructed from a fibre-glass shell, which covers a lightweight aluminium endoskeleton. Ancillary power is provided by a cluster of lithium batteries which need to be surreptitiously recharged via a cable located under his left arm.

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December 10, 2013

Obama: “Mandela was a twat”

by articulatedsheep

US President Barack Obama has used his address to the memorial service for Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg to launch a blistering attack on the former South African President.

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he'd have wanted to be sent off

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he’d have wanted to be sent off

Appearing in front of a capacity crowd at the FNB Stadium, Obama started his address by saying, “I expect you want me to stand in front of you and say a load of fawning guff about Madiba, about how I was humbled in his presence, all that crap.”

“Well, no. He was a dick and I don’t mind saying so.”

Obama spent more than three hours listing Mandela’s defects, including a long, rambling anecdote relating an incident when the two men were sitting next to each other at an official dinner and Mandela stole Obama’s bread roll.

“Then, cool as you like,” Obama concluded, his voice rising to an incredulous yell, “he turns to me and says, ‘Oh look! They’ve given me two rolls, I’ve got one this side of me as well!’ And, get this, he casually picks it up and pops it into his mouth. Grade A wanker.”

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December 10, 2013

MPs ‘brilliant again’ says everyone

by philapilus
English: David Cameron's picture on the 10 Dow...

‘This is my caring face’

After several years of residing in the metaphorical doghouse (largely for buying solid gold actual doghouses), MPs were today welcomed back into the bosom of the British public.

Yesterday’s confirmation of the 11%  payrise MPs are receiving as part of the government’s austerity measures, coincided with an afternoon’s Parliament of talking at length about how great Nelson Mandela was – reminding voters of the bloody good job their

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