John Lewis continues manhunt for bauble-breaker

by philapilus

John Lewis has hired Frank Castle, on a ‘bring her in or take her out’ contract

A spokesperson for John Lewis has announced that the corporation “will not rest”, until it finds the little girl who wrote a letter apologising for breaking a Christmas bauble.

The letter, which has been called “extremely sweet” by police graphologists, contained a heartfelt apology, and had two £1 coins selotaped to it, to recompense the store for the damage.

The retail giant alerted the media, published the letter, and indicated their intent to find the 5 year old – it was presumed, in order to thank her.

But spokesperson, Percy Spoke said yesterday “The press has got this all wrong. We aren’t looking for her so we can say thank you. We are going to drag her, kicking and screaming, to justice! She broke a bauble, people!

“And if she won’t come quietly, we’ll kill everyone in her neighbourhood till she gives up.

“We want the message to get out, loud and clear. Do NOT fuck with the J Lew-Crew.

“Merry fucking Christmas.” 

%d bloggers like this: