All future news stories to contain compulsory reference to Tom Daley’s sexuality

by philapilus
Tom Daley dive for Bronze

There will never again be a photo of Tom with an innocent caption

It was announced yesterday that the sexuality of diver Tom Daley will be mentioned at least once in every single news story from now on, no matter how tangential or implausible its relation to the topic.

After the British Olympic diver came out earlier in the week, it became apparent that the world would never be the same again, as every newspaper filled every page with speculations on his sex-life.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, head of Reading and Writing about Stuff, at the Slough College of Stuff, said “We are looking at a pre-Tom Daley and a post-Tom Daley media landscape here. From now on it is going to be impossible to talk about anything at all, without making some vaguely voyeuristic – even puerile – reference to Tom.

“For instance, you might begin reading an article about local government initiatives for sustainable housing, but pretty quickly it becomes apparent that the actual salient point is whether a very affable-seeming young chap who jumps off things into water for a living, prefers to give or to receive, when it comes to the back passage. See?”

Bisexual diver Daley (who is in a gay relationship (which involves him being gay with a man (you know, gaily))) declined to comment this morning, because he has spent the last forty-eight hours commenting on aboslutely everything, everywhere in the world, and can’t stand up anymore.

But a close friend said “Tom’s bisexual. I’ve said that seven-hundred and fifty-seven times this morning to you people. Now will you please let me get to my fucking car, because I am three hours late for work?”

Gareth Davis, Agricultural Correspondent for BBC Wales, said “I’m supposed to be talking about mortality rates in lambing, see? But apparently the studio says now I have to consider it in relation to whether Tom Daley might have had more boyfriends or girlfriends.

“I thought we were more mature than endlessly obsessing over someone’s sexuality, these days?”

But Professor McEyebrau said “Nope, sorry. From now on no one is going to talk about anything except what Daley does with his willy. 

“Unless something even more impossible-not-to-discuss-constantly happens in the meantime, like Nelson Mandela dying or something.”

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