Archive for December 6th, 2013

December 6, 2013

John Lewis continues manhunt for bauble-breaker

by philapilus
Punisher

John Lewis has hired Frank Castle, on a ‘bring her in or take her out’ contract

A spokesperson for John Lewis has announced that the corporation “will not rest”, until it finds the little girl who wrote a letter apologising for breaking a Christmas bauble.

The letter, which has been called “extremely sweet” by police graphologists, contained a heartfelt apology, and had two £1 coins selotaped to it, to recompense the store for the damage.

The retail giant alerted the media, published the letter, and indicated their intent to find the 5 year old – it was presumed, in order to thank her.

But spokesperson, Percy Spoke said

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December 6, 2013

Obituary: Nelson Mandela, by George Galloway

by philapilus
George Galloway

‘It’s not all about me, you know’

English: Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg, Gaute...

RIP

Like everyone else I was shocked and saddened this morning to learn of the death of Nelson Mandela, a man whom I can honestly say I admired almost as much as he admired me.

The passing of a titan from the world’s stage leaves us all the poorer, especially those of us titans remaining, and I want to take a moment to reflect on Mandela’s amazing life and incredible achievements.

“A man whose entire being was devoted to struggling for fairness and equality, a man who suffered for others, and bore his suffering in silence, a man who has fought and lived – whilst being willing to die – for an ideal” was how Nelson described me, in what

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December 6, 2013

All future news stories to contain compulsory reference to Tom Daley’s sexuality

by philapilus
Tom Daley dive for Bronze

There will never again be a photo of Tom with an innocent caption

It was announced yesterday that the sexuality of diver Tom Daley will be mentioned at least once in every single news story from now on, no matter how tangential or implausible its relation to the topic.

After the British Olympic diver came out earlier in the week, it became apparent that the world would never be the same again, as every newspaper filled every page with speculations on his sex-life.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, head of Reading and Writing about Stuff, at the Slough College of Stuff, said “We are looking at a pre-Tom Daley and a post-Tom Daley media landscape here. From now on it is going to be impossible to talk about anything at all, without making some vaguely voyeuristic

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