‘Spunky Cameron comes up with a pig idea’ says Sun

by philapilus
47th Munich Security Conference 2011: David Ca...

‘It’s my dream for Britain; to associate ourselves with millions of gallons of frozen pig semen’

The British press says David Cameron will receive a hero’s welcome on his return home from China, in honour of the historical deal he has brokered, to export pig spunk to the world’s second largest economy.

Cameron had predicted that his goodwill visit would promote business, international co-operation, and ‘help drum up trade with the Chinks’, but the announcement of a £45m deal on sperm surprised everyone.

“You have to hand it to Dave,” said a spokesperson for British trade, “He’s really come up with something. Let’s just hope he’s able to pull it off! Otherwise we’ll be in a sticky sit– I’m sorry, I’ll stop now.”

Rounding off his Chinese visit this morning, Cameron said “The deal we have reached cements the closeness of our two great countries.

“Our shared history is filled with successful joint ventures: the Opium wars; the happy, trouble-free stewardship of Hong Kong; all those dirty but delicious restaurants in Soho; and that bit in Enter the Dragon, when Bruce Lee gets hired by an Englishman called Braithwaite.

“And now we can celebrate the continuance of that friendship by sharing vat upon vat of iced pig-jizz.”

Most of the tory press this morning was frothing with praise, and issued instructions to the nation on  parade routes, crowd assemblage points, and appropriate gifts of thanksgiving for the prime minister’s return.

Today’s Guardian, however, was mostly blank, as the entire staff spent nearly all of yesterday coming up with a single, heavily-laboured pun, about how ‘George Osborne would be the ideal man to extract the seminal fluid because he spends his whole life wanking off rich pigs anyway’.

A Chinese official said “Honestly, we couldn’t keep our faces straight. Mr Cameron said he would do anything for money. The whole pig-spunk thing was meant to be just a joke, but he absolutely leapt at it.

“Before long we had him careening about the room on all fours, grunting and squealing, whilst we pelted him with low denomination coinage.

“Your prime minister is as fucking desperate as Matt and Luke Goss. That’s right, Britain. We know about Bros. We know all your weaknesses. You can’t cow – or pig – the world with notions of cultural superiority anymore.”

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