Amazon steps up efforts to eradicate competition and customers

by philapilus
A MQ-9 Reaper unmanned aerial vehicle prepares...

Is that boxset of Friends DVDs really worth losing your house and family for?

The revelation today that online retailer Amazon has developed unmanned drones for delivering packages*, has caused widespread concern.

The internet giant said it can deploy its drones within 45 minutes of customers placing orders, hitting target-addresses with pinpoint accuracy.

Chief Executive Jeff Bezos said “So far our tactics have mainly been passive-aggressive; sending slightly damaged products in packaging that falls apart in transit, and ensuring deliveries arrive when you are not in, and are then left at collection points in the Shetlands, which are only open once a month.

“We’ve also worked hard to piss everyone off with our refusal to pay taxes, and our tendency to send your Christmas gifts about a week after the big day.

“But now, with unmanned drones, we will be able to actually destroy quite sizeable targets without risking our couriers, and hopefully taking large numbers of customers out with single hits. I feel this will really help us move up the ranks of ‘utter bastard’ corporations.”

The aerial assault weapons, based on models currently used to bomb the shit out of Afghan farmers, will blow up customers’ homes, and then leave a brown parcel on top of the still-smoking ruins.

The drones will also make it much, much easier for Amazon to fulfil its mission of destroying every single shop on the high street.

Regular customer, David Cockring, said “Of course, unmanned UAVs would be a great idea, if it wasn’t for the fact that they will scare the shit out of people, get captured by gangs of feral youths using nets, and generally speaking, bring forward the outbreak of war between humans and the machines by at least a decade.

“Still, I’ll give it a try, because there aren’t any fucking bookshops left anyway. Thanks a lot, Amazon.”


*We wish this wasn’t true, but it actually is.

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