After a year in which we have been spoiled for choice with your selection of ‘Wankers of the Week’, ‘Masturbators of the Month’, and even ‘Fingerers of the Fortnight’, the votes are in, and we can proudly present the person that YOU the readers think was the most awful fuckwit of the
Senior tories have rounded on Vince Cable, after the Business Secretary suggested current immigration concerns are slightly reminiscent of earlier panics, such as the one which precipitated Enoch Powell’s infamous ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech.
Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said Cable was “Like an uppity house negro who’s powdered his face and thinks he can ‘strut wid’ de masser'”, while Nigel Mills, MP for Amber Valley, called Cable “a demented hellspawn, who should be hung from the gallows after such base treachery on a TV programme.”
Waitrose shoppers have expressed considerable disappointment this morning, on discovering that all the ridiculously expensive Heston Blumenthal Christmas foodstuffs they’ve purchased were not actually hand-made by the chef.
The news that Blumenthal merely created and lent his name to a range, which was then made by exactly the same people who make all the other stuff you normally buy, has enraged avid advert-appreciators, who thought Waitrose were offering dishes personally prepared by the chef at the Fat Duck.
People who for whatever reason do not have today off work, have expressed a profound desire to exact revenge on absent, holidaying colleagues.
Wendy Nailinthehead, office grunt for Peterborough council, said “At the Christmas party my boss told us ‘someone’ had to come in Monday. Someone turned out to be me. Every other bastard is off.
The BBC have defended the decision to interview Anjem Choudary on the Today programme this morning, saying that “Without Choudary’s contribution, the debate would not adequately have included the views of total bastard fuckwits.”
After the sentencing of the killers of Lee Rigby yesterday, the extremist Muslim preacher was invited to discuss the slaughter, in order to remind Radio 4 listeners that some people are just utter cunts who spout worthless shite.
A few weeks after Amazon revealed its plans to introduce delivery drones in the near future, Santa Claus has today announced that he will also cease personal deliveries – possibly as early as this Christmas.
Speaking after a photoshoot in which Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart were pictured sitting on his knees, Father Christmas said “To be quite honest with you I think this may be my last appearance.
The death of Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has reignited the debate over whether crooks from the good old days should be reclassified by historians as ‘diamond geezers’ rather than ‘criminals’.
Ronnie Biggs who participated in Britain’s most famous heist, then escaped prison and spent nearly four decades on the run, was hailed as “One of the greatest Britons of the 20th century” by the prime minister, who will be delivering the eulogy at his funeral.
A police spokesman, PC McGarry No. 452, said “Ronnie was one of that generation of classic crooks, cheeky chappies, whose mottos in life were as big-hearted and joyful as they were themselves; ‘be lucky’, ‘you’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off’ and ‘you hold him down while I cut his eyelids off’. Classic
Britain’s fans of espionage were in a state of shock today, after doctors from Nottingham and Derby proved that national hero, James Bond “is not a real person”.
A team of GPs announced today that “There’s no way that a complete alcoholic could sustain a job as a high-performing assassin and undercover operative for sixty years and counting.
“We’re sorry, but we’re pretty sure this means he isn’t real.”
From today all EU migrants wanting to come to the UK will have to answer 100 questions written by Iain Duncan Smith, and then allow him to spit in their mouths, before they can claim benefits.
A spokesperson for the Department of Work and Pensions said “Immigration is a huge worry for us. We’ve all been basically running around the office, waving our hands in the air and screaming constantly, for about ten months now.