Nigella’s ‘accidental’ illegal ingredient

by philapilus
Cocaine powder

“Doesn’t that look like salt to you?”

It has emerged that TV chef Nigella Lawson has been ‘accidentally’ adding cocaine to her cooking for several years.

“It was completely unintentional,” insisted an embarrassed Nigella, “I was going to add some baking soda to a bread recipe, and realised I ‘d run out.

“The cornershop didn’t have any, and Tesco was shut.

“Then this guy approached me on the street and asked was I looking for something. Well, he seemed a rough sort, and I thought he probably didn’t know what baking soda was, so I said innocently ‘I need some white powder – I’ve got some dough, and I really want to get a nice high one this evening.’

“Obviously there was a misunderstanding, and so – unwittingly – I ended up adding cocaine to the breadmix. It didn’t exactly cook properly, but fucking hell, was it moreish.

“After that I started using this fantastic unknown ingredient regularly, adding it liberally to every dish I made. I was going to see the guy three times a week. How was I supposed to know he was a drug dealer?!”

The ex-wife of arsehole Charles Saatchi admitted that it wasn’t long before she found herself snorting her ‘baking soda substitute’ directly off the worktop through a piece of dried penne. But it wasn’t until a party-guest complimented her ‘cocaine-dusted humous’ that the penny dropped.

Following the revelations, Nigella’s fans expressed their astonishment. Dick Head said “This has made me completely re-evaluate TV chefs; I always wondered why they got so excited taking dishes out of the oven.

“Also, I saw Jamie Oliver in an alley once, and at the time I just thought, ‘what a funny little baster he’s using to put that gravy in his arm’. I now realise of course that he was in fact smacking up. More fool me, eh?”  

But others think Nigella was intentionally advocating food-based drug use.

“I’ve used her recipes for years,” said Wendy Twatface, “No one accidentally says stuff like ‘I sprinkle a bit over the marrow then slip it in – and I can’t resist sucking the powder off my fingers afterwards’.

“I only started on cocaine because of Nigella. But cooking was my gateway; now I am addicted to crack and owe my dealer fifteen grand.

“Fucking TV chefs.”

 

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