3 Minute Visions: My Scotland, by Alex Salmond

by philapilus
World cup England

“Furthermair I will pers’nally headbutt aw’ tha English till their heids burrst. Yon Bastards that ye are!”

For this edition of ‘3 Minute Vision’ — our weekly slot dedicated to reducing hard, complex issues to the cerebral equivalent of a small piece of fluffy lint with cotton-wool-like consistency — TMB has asked Alex Salmond to give a brief precis of why an independent Scotland is such a good idea:

Westminster scumbags bin doin us doon’ frae cent’ries past, so after a wee dram fir breakfast, I wrote yon white paper.

Some o ye bin sayin Scotland’s only got yon North sea oil, which is utter shite: oor thrivin’ economy’s got industry ranging frae shortbread, bagpeep recordings, an’ festive sporrans, tae rood postcards an’ tin brooches shaped like thistles; ye name it… and folks gang frae all roond the worl’ to buy oor tartan blankies.

Once we’ve o’erthrown tha suppresive yoke o’ English tyranny, we’ll stand proodly on our oon twa’ feet, asking frae nae thing from a’body! (Well, obviously we’ll keep tha poond. An’ tha Queen. An’ we’ll be needin’ yon armed forces o’ the UK. But we’ll nae ha’ a thing to do wi’ yourn national debt, frae RBS and HBOS bail-outs etsaytra, ye Fuckers!)

Peeple say we’s no’ got the ingenooity, ken-hoo, an’ inventiv’ness o’ yon past industrial era. But tae they fuckers I say; what aboot oor pioneerin’ deep-fried cigarettes? The 90% proof alc’ol we ferrment frae nettles and rubber tyres? We Scots can do somethin’ ye English will ne’er ken; maintain an alcohol-fuelled, fast-food lifesteele, wi’oot spending mair than a penny a day.

We will put an end tae centries of misrepresentation an’ stereotypin’. We’re a misunderstood peeple. Take Trainspotting fir example; a biased, tootally untroo accoont o’ Scottish lowleefs, nae doobt penned by an English arsehole. Bairns nae crawl on tha ceilin’! Ye cannae swim doon a dunny! Lies!

D’ye ken Braveheart tho? Wi’ Mel Gibson fightin’ Richard Harris, or Rolf Harris, or whoever tha’ bastard Englishman was? And Gibson sacrifeeced hissel’, sorta bit like Jeesus? And he got tae shag that Fraench chick? Well a vote for me is a vote for tha’ exact scenario, wi’ me as Wallace (Apart from the torture and death.)

Tae summit up then; if ye like Braveheart mor’n Trainspotting, vote Yea tae Independunce.

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