UK ‘City of Culture’ title only open to shitholes from now on

by philapilus
Español: Samuel Beckett

With such a plethora of UK cities qualifying as contenders, is it any wonder that Beckett spent most of his life in France?

As Hull revelled in the news that it would be the UK City of Culture in 2017, other cities previously tarred with the ‘complete shithole’ tag have stepped up their campaigns to win the coveted title.

A spokesman for Scunthorpe, who was too embarrassed to give his name, said “What’s Hull got that we haven’t? They’ve only won this on the basis that a poet had to take a library job there, because poetry pays fuck-all.

“Well Samuel Beckett once gobbed on the platform of Scunthorpe station when he was on a train passing through. We’ve made a blue plaque and everything. If that’s not culture I don’t know what is.”

Similarly Bradford is putting itself forward on the strength of the fact that a drunken Kingsley Amis once got lost driving through on his way somewhere else, and took a piss against the side of the town hall.

Meanwhile Slough’s bid is accompanied by a new city slogan ‘Actually Not as Bad as You’d Think’, and a huge sign has been erected in the city centre, saying ‘The cabbages are coming now’ in honour of John Betjeman’s ode.

Culture Secretary, Maria Miller, who has been voted the UK’s ‘Most Useless Ever’ holder of the post, and who has failed to visit the current UK City of Culture, Derry, even once, said “I’m sure there are worthy cultural riches in all of these towns.

“They’ve probably got great…oh what do you call them? Big buildings with all pictures in…? No, it’s gone. But they’re bound to have great ones.”

The leading contender to succeed Hull as City of Culture though is widely considered to be Worksop.

Worksop’s extraordinary claim to fame is that thirty years ago, rebellious actor Oliver Reed sent the mayor a cardboard box filled with his vomit, which, owing to the soggy contents, collapsed on delivery, spilling its contents over the council chamber’s new carpet.

“We’ve never washed it, and the stain is as noticeable today as it was way back then.” said proud spokesperson, Percy Spoke.

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