London Underground workers to be redesignated as gladiators

by philapilus
A deserted Temple Station platform - rush hour...

On the Tube no one can hear you scream

TfL has unveiled exciting new cuts to London Underground, which will involve closing every single ticket office, bringing staff out from the relative safety of their glass-fronted booths, and then pitting them against the aggressive, murderous hordes of London commuters.

At a press conference this morning, Mayor of London Boris Johnson said “Actually I… I… I think that this is going to be hugely popular, and um, you know very… very um, entertaining.

“It’s going to, you know, save us several million quid, and make for some great Youtube footage of our chaps and chapesses being, well, set upon I suppose.”

The revamp will also see lines run 24 hours a day at weekends, meaning staff will be alone on deserted platforms at 3AM, fighting off drunks and muggers, which according to the mayor “Should make for some awfully funny, and…and…and really hopefully, you know, saleable footage.

“Before long we could see the beginning of a whole new gladiatorial sport, and eventually maybe we can even look at, ah, look at, I don’t know, setting up Liverpool Street station as a coliseum or something.

“Actually that would be great. We could have, um, ah, TfL staff fighting dangerous dogs, or feral chavs from Essex. All, you know, brilliant jolly good stuff.”

On hearing the news of the proposed shafting, RMT General Secretary Bob Crow made the traditional Union War Ululation, harnessed enraged stallions to his reinforced chariot, and declared his intention to lead his forces against city hall, as soon as he had finished eating a massive, massive pile of chocolate eclairs.

Crow said “We will fight them on the platforms, we will fight them on the escalators, we will fight them on those long spiral-staircases —  you know, the ones that say ‘Do Not Use Except In Emergency, This Staircase Has 756 Steps’.

“We shall never surrender.

“But mostly I’ll be fighting them by skiving off work, and gorging myself senseless in the Walworth Road branch of Greggs.”

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