Man knighted for completing football sticker album

by philapilus

Twanks’ next project is to trace the current whereabouts of every single football made anywhere in the world between 1967-1972.

A man has described his ‘delight and surprise’, after the Queen turned up at his house this morning and made him a knight of the realm, in recognition of a football sticker album he had just completed.

Tim Twanks, an unemployed football fan from Farnham, began the Premier League Player’s album at the age of seven, but for several reasons – including not being seven anymore – he never completed the project.

“I think that as I matured I decided obsessively collecting stickers was not the be-all and end-all of life,” said Twanks, “and so I turned my attentions elsewhere, and began collecting stamps.”

But about a year ago Twanks remembered that he had never actually completed the album.

Having just been fortuitously fired from his job at the Post Office,  for spending three shifts laying 5732 paperclips end-to-end in order of size, he decided to finish his childhood project.

“It has taken my every waking minute, and cost me seventy-three thousand pounds,” said Twanks, “The guy who owned the last two stickers refused to part with them for ages.

“But I camped outside his house, posting ‘PLEASE GIVE THEM TO ME?’ post-it notes hourly through his letterbox for seven months.

“Eventually we agreed that if I paid off his mortgage, he would let me have them, and I would remain at least 500 yards away at all times.

“Some people say I’ve wasted my life, but I bet they’ve never known the joy of completing a sticker album.”

As well as the knighthood, Twanks has received numerous job-offers from some of the world’s most powerful corporations, including a 7-figure contract with the NSA.

He has also been asked out by over a thousand women, but has said he is going to spend some time weighing up his options.

“I’m going to make a comprehensive database of all the possible jobs, all the possible women, and every possible combination thereof, then grade and cross-reference each permutation, until I find the perfect combination” Twanks added.

“But it still won’t match the excitement of getting those last stickers.”

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