“I have never eaten another human” promises Toronto mayor

by philapilus
Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto, greeting a nun at ...

Ford also says he has never in his life successfully stolen the British Crown Jewels, adding “Damn, their security’s good over there”

Rob Ford, the embattled Mayor of Toronto, has told the press that he has almost certainly not actually committed every crime known to man.

Ford’s position has become seriously compromised in recent weeks, after the exposure of a large number of illegal, unpleasant, and massively stupid things he has done.

These included the use of crack cocaine, frequent drunkenness, drink-driving, and numerous other crimes, rumoured to include the murder of black children with a chainsaw in a spacecraft (to avoid terrestrial Canadian law).

But Ford lashed out at his critics today, saying “I am not the worst person in history, and I have not, repeat NOT committed every crime known to man.

“For instance, I’ll give you three crimes -no, two – I’ll give you two crimes I have never committed. I have never used a longbow to kill a member of an endangered species in Trinidad, nor have I ever eaten a human be- a white, male human being.

“Such things would be despicable, and I would never, ever, ever, EVER dream of doing anything so morally wrong. I am hugely offended people have suggested I might, and I will take legal action  against you if you don’t stop tormenting me, and shaming my family with this muck-raking.

“And now, if you’ll excuse me, I am on my way to Trinidad, on totally unrelated business.”


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