Archive for November 19th, 2013

November 19, 2013

“I have never eaten another human” promises Toronto mayor

by philapilus
Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto, greeting a nun at ...

Ford also says he has never in his life successfully stolen the British Crown Jewels, adding “Damn, their security’s good over there”

Rob Ford, the embattled Mayor of Toronto, has told the press that he has almost certainly not actually committed every crime known to man.

Ford’s position has become seriously compromised in recent weeks, after the exposure of a large number of illegal, unpleasant, and massively stupid things he has done.

These included the use of crack cocaine, frequent drunkenness, drink-driving, and numerous other crimes, rumoured to include the murder of black children with a chainsaw in a spacecraft (to avoid terrestrial Canadian law).

But Ford lashed out at

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November 19, 2013

Man knighted for completing football sticker album

by philapilus
Footballs

Twanks’ next project is to trace the current whereabouts of every single football made anywhere in the world between 1967-1972.

A man has described his ‘delight and surprise’, after the Queen turned up at his house this morning and made him a knight of the realm, in recognition of a football sticker album he had just completed.

Tim Twanks, an unemployed football fan from Farnham, began the Premier League Player’s album at the age of seven, but for several reasons – including not being seven anymore – he never completed the project.

“I think that as I matured I decided obsessively collecting stickers was not the be-all and end-all of life,” said Twanks, “and so I turned my attentions elsewhere, and began collecting stamps.”

But about a

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November 19, 2013

Thought for the Week, by God

by philapilus

Hi everyone, God here again. I hope you’re all enjoying my little column here at TMB!

(I know I said this last week, but please, please really do let the editor know if you are, because they’ve threatened to drop me if I don’t come up with something more interesting than crushing Hittites!)

Just wanted to say a word today about books. Apart from

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