Tories ‘said nothing’ between 2000 and 2010

by philapilus

“YOU know I’m not a total wanker, don’t you?”

The Conservative central office announced today that it had expunged its entire archive of speeches and press releases for the first decade of the century, because there really hadn’t been anything worth keeping in it.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “We looked through it, and basically we have just been saying exactly the same thing for years.

“We haven’t changed our policies one iota, and we haven’t said a thing that we’re not saying today, so there was no need for the archive. You can just listen to what we are saying now. Which we will also be saying tomorrow, having deleted all record of what we said today, and any false memories you might have of inconsistencies are your own problem.

“Plus, really, the archive was taking up all that valuable internet space that ordinary everyday people need for posting pictures of their debutante daughters.”

The Conservatives say that the complete destruction of a political party’s historical documents is a noble tradition, and is a vital part of ensuring democratic process, just as it was in Germany and Russia during the 1930s and 40s.*

Shapps said “Some cynical members of the opposition have spread the malicious rumour that we are covering up our tracks on policy u-turns, broken promises, and general outright bullshit.

“But then, the same people say I am a total dickheaded wanker, and spend all my time, metaphorically, wanking the dick on my head, and putting the faeces that come out of my mouth into a golden chalice, from which I feed the public. 

“So who are you going to believe, eh?”


*Yes, we know; Godwin’s Law. But then on the other hand, piss off.



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