A&E units to tell 50% of people to ‘piss off’, in NHS revamp

by philapilus
English: NHS logo

Not Helping. Sorry.

It was announced today that radical changes in the NHS will see A&E departments divided into two tiers, one where they’ll help you – provided you are about to die – and one where they’ll tell you to ‘piss off and just run it under a cold tap, or something’.

After years of the service being routinely abused and fucked up by successive governments, NHS chiefs explained that they no longer had enough money to convince staff to care.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “From now on, A&E ‘major emergency centres’ will only accept you provided you’ve had a heart attack, no longer have a pulse, or have a crowbar sticking through your brain; that kind of thing.

“Otherwise a sarcastic receptionist will cross her arms, ask you if you have any idea how busy she is, and tell you to go to an ‘honestly, you call that an emergency?’ centre, where you will sit on an uncomfortable plastic chair for seventeen hours, before being seen by a tired medical student.

“You will then be given two aspirin and a quick dab of witchhazel, no matter what your complaint is, or, if the student can stay awake and is feeling very generous, possibly a plaster.

“You know, the sort of plaster that comes off after about two minutes, but leaves a dark sticky gunk on your hand that only comes off with a scouring pad.”

The idea behind the scheme is to make sure that surgeons can have a bit of a lie-in or an extra round of golf, without all that boring surgery stuff, and simultaneously to reduce the high numbers of overworked nurses who are keeling over and dying from exhaustion on a daily basis.

But regular NHS end-user, pensioner Wendy Nailinthehead, said “I’ve just cut my finger on a really sharp piece of paper. If they think that isn’t a major emergency then I am going to go in there and scream at them until they find me a doctor. And not one of them brown foreigners either.”

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