Annual ‘Christmas is too early’ complainants begin complaints too early this year

by philapilus
English: King's College, Cambridge, UK, under ...

The Prodge recorded many of their most famous songs here, including “Punch women in the face” “I’m the Arsonist” and “melody with four notes repeated forever over an uninventive drum-track”

People who complain yearly about how early Christmas adverts and products begin to appear, got annoyed even more prematurely than in previous years, according to an official study.

In July this year, as various stores prepared for their incredibly long pre-Christmas marketing campaigns, which were due to start in August, a rumour that they had in fact already begun was spread amongst those gleefully caustic sods who can’t wait to start complaining about it.

In July unemployed miserable bastard Tim Twanks tweeted “Can’t believe it, commercialisation of Christmas started more early than ever, apparently shops are ALREADY playing carols. Fucking ridiculous”.

Twanks’ statement was followed by a veritable social-media storm, as armies of self-righteous grolies raced to vent their spleens and display their non-materialistic credentials.

But according to Christmasologist Santana Clause, what Twanks had mistakenly thought was the choir of King’s College Cambridge singing ‘Silent Night’, was in fact the Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’.

“This is what happens when utter morons start with their ‘holier than thou’ shit” said Clause.

“No one in the country is dumb enough these days to think that Christmas is anything other than an extended period of people fleecing you of your money, and trying to trick you into being even more of a selfish, greedy bastard than you already expect yourself to be.

“But if anything makes you more likely to indulge, it is the sad fuckers who are just desperate to spoil it for you.

“Can’t we all just stop being vindictive dicks and greedy arseholes, and try and remember the true meaning of the First Christmas, all those years ago; when Allah and Vishnu committed harakiri to save us from sin?

“I think it was something along those lines, anyway.”

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