G4S no longer worst firm in UK

by philapilus
G4S Demo 6.06.13

Another satisfied customer

Executives at G4S announced their delight at no longer being the worst company in the country, after a mentally ill, homeless man set up his own business, offering to come round and shit on your front lawn if you pay him £1000.

G4S’s Chief Executive Fuckwit, James J James-Twathead, said today “We are very pleased that this wholly unexpected development means we will not be the country’s worst firm for the seventh year in a row.

“This is especially good news as it comes hot on the heels of us losing a suspected fundamentalist terrorist.

“Yay us!”

But critics say the circumstances of the set-up of the new ‘worst firm’ threaten to enmire G4S in yet more scandal.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, Head of Shit at Slough Sewage Plant University, said “I have seen CCTV footage that clearly shows Tim Twanks, a man who is suffering from severely delusional psychosis, being approached on the street by two men wearing what appear to be G4S uniforms.

“He is then frogmarched towards an internet cafe, where witnesses say he borrowed a large sum of money from Wonga, against the value of his internal organs, and was then ‘helped’ to set up a website by the two uniformed men.”

James J James-Twathead made no comment in response to these allegations, but he did point behind reporters’ heads, shout “Oh my god, look out!” and once everyone’s backs were turned, ran away very very fast.

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