Archive for November, 2013

November 29, 2013

Boris Johnson’s ‘Huzzah for Inequality!’ speech backfires

by philapilus

“Oh shit”

Boris Johnson uncharacteristically found his foot in his own mouth on Wednesday night, after an attempt to channel the spirit of Margaret Thatcher during a lecture backfired drastically.

Boris was giving the annual Margaret Thatcher Lecture at the Centre for Policy Studies, when he surprised the audience by going into a deep trance, and started a seance with the spirit of the former Prime Minister.

Extolling greed and envy as the generators of economic success, Boris interpreted Thatcher’s ghost in his own vernacular, saying “I really want to, uh, you know, big it up for the rich – come on chaps, round of applause for the rich, let’s hear it – jolly good, uh, you know, chaps with

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November 28, 2013

Thought for the Week, by God

by philapilus
English: Kanye West performing in December 2008

Totally over the top; no one in real life is this awful

Hi everyone! God here again.

After last week’s ‘Thought for the Week’, in which I tried to explain how I accidentally started this weird fad for chopping the end off willies, the TMB editors have said they’re going to drop me if I don’t write something ‘more culturally relevant’.

So I did some ‘Googling’ (My Me, there’s a lot of porn out there!) and discovered that the things considered most culturally relevant today are cerebrally-challenged celebrities and pop musicians.

And so today I’m going to talk about the music video ‘Bound 2’, with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.

 I have to say at the outset that

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November 27, 2013

Nigella’s ‘accidental’ illegal ingredient

by philapilus
Cocaine powder

“Doesn’t that look like salt to you?”

It has emerged that TV chef Nigella Lawson has been ‘accidentally’ adding cocaine to her cooking for several years.

“It was completely unintentional,” insisted an embarrassed Nigella, “I was going to add some baking soda to a bread recipe, and realised I ‘d run out.

“The cornershop didn’t have any, and Tesco was shut.

“Then this guy approached me on the street and asked was I looking for something. Well, he

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November 26, 2013

3 Minute Visions: My Scotland, by Alex Salmond

by philapilus
World cup England

“Furthermair I will pers’nally headbutt aw’ tha English till their heids burrst. Yon Bastards that ye are!”

For this edition of ‘3 Minute Vision’ — our weekly slot dedicated to reducing hard, complex issues to the cerebral equivalent of a small piece of fluffy lint with cotton-wool-like consistency — TMB has asked Alex Salmond to give a brief precis of why an independent Scotland is such a good idea:

Westminster scumbags bin doin us doon’ frae cent’ries past, so after a wee dram fir breakfast, I wrote yon white paper.

Some o ye bin sayin Scotland’s only got yon North sea oil, which is utter shite: oor thrivin’ economy’s got industry ranging frae shortbread, bagpeep recordings, an’ festive sporrans, tae rood postcards an’ tin brooches shaped like thistles; ye name it… and folks gang frae all roond the worl’ to buy oor tartan blankies.

Once we’ve o’erthrown tha

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November 21, 2013

London Underground workers to be redesignated as gladiators

by philapilus
A deserted Temple Station platform - rush hour...

On the Tube no one can hear you scream

TfL has unveiled exciting new cuts to London Underground, which will involve closing every single ticket office, bringing staff out from the relative safety of their glass-fronted booths, and then pitting them against the aggressive, murderous hordes of London commuters.

At a press conference this morning, Mayor of London Boris Johnson said “Actually I… I… I think that this is going to be hugely popular, and um, you know very… very um, entertaining.

“It’s going to, you know, save us several million quid, and make for some great Youtube footage of our chaps and chapesses being, well, set upon I suppose.”

The revamp will also see lines run 24 hours a day at

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November 21, 2013

UK ‘City of Culture’ title only open to shitholes from now on

by philapilus
Español: Samuel Beckett

With such a plethora of UK cities qualifying as contenders, is it any wonder that Beckett spent most of his life in France?

As Hull revelled in the news that it would be the UK City of Culture in 2017, other cities previously tarred with the ‘complete shithole’ tag have stepped up their campaigns to win the coveted title.

A spokesman for Scunthorpe, who was too embarrassed to give his name, said “What’s Hull got that we haven’t? They’ve only won this on the basis that a poet had to take a library job there, because poetry pays fuck-all.

“Well Samuel Beckett once gobbed on the platform of Scunthorpe station when he was on a train passing through. We’ve made a blue plaque and everything. If that’s not culture I don’t know what is.”

Similarly Bradford is

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November 19, 2013

“I have never eaten another human” promises Toronto mayor

by philapilus
Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto, greeting a nun at ...

Ford also says he has never in his life successfully stolen the British Crown Jewels, adding “Damn, their security’s good over there”

Rob Ford, the embattled Mayor of Toronto, has told the press that he has almost certainly not actually committed every crime known to man.

Ford’s position has become seriously compromised in recent weeks, after the exposure of a large number of illegal, unpleasant, and massively stupid things he has done.

These included the use of crack cocaine, frequent drunkenness, drink-driving, and numerous other crimes, rumoured to include the murder of black children with a chainsaw in a spacecraft (to avoid terrestrial Canadian law).

But Ford lashed out at

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November 19, 2013

Man knighted for completing football sticker album

by philapilus

Twanks’ next project is to trace the current whereabouts of every single football made anywhere in the world between 1967-1972.

A man has described his ‘delight and surprise’, after the Queen turned up at his house this morning and made him a knight of the realm, in recognition of a football sticker album he had just completed.

Tim Twanks, an unemployed football fan from Farnham, began the Premier League Player’s album at the age of seven, but for several reasons – including not being seven anymore – he never completed the project.

“I think that as I matured I decided obsessively collecting stickers was not the be-all and end-all of life,” said Twanks, “and so I turned my attentions elsewhere, and began collecting stamps.”

But about a

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November 19, 2013

Thought for the Week, by God

by philapilus

Hi everyone, God here again. I hope you’re all enjoying my little column here at TMB!

(I know I said this last week, but please, please really do let the editor know if you are, because they’ve threatened to drop me if I don’t come up with something more interesting than crushing Hittites!)

Just wanted to say a word today about books. Apart from

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November 18, 2013

‘Let them watch vegetables’, says Camilla

by philapilus

Camilla and Charles are both very green in their outlook

The Duchess of Cornwall yesterday showed how in touch and hip the Royal family are, when she called for youngsters to “Put away their iPods and their Youtube, go and sit in the garden and watch some vegetables grow.”

The Duchess, who is the wife of Prince Charles (and will therefore be our future queen for seven days in 2029, until Charles keels over and dies a week after being crowned) exhorted kids to “Go and stare at vegetables, just like your peasant ancestors in the good old days.

“Being married to a man who talks to trees, and being the daughter-in-law of Prince Philip, has given me ample opportunity to relish the slow, gentle pace of vegetable-watching.

“If more of

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