Archive for October, 2013

October 23, 2013

Ruby Tandoh responsible for Grangemouth closure

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed that Great British Bake-Off finalist Ruby Tandoh is to blame for the ending of petrochemical operations at the Grangemouth plant in Scotland.

Butter wouldn't melt

Butter wouldn’t melt

 

The shock closure, involving the loss of 800 jobs, is entirely at the hand of Tandoh, 21, who over the past ten weeks has inexplicably become a figure of immeasurable public hatred.

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October 22, 2013

May’s ‘go home’ van-drivers told ‘to go home’

by philapilus
Prime Minister David Cameron is met by Theresa...

“You’re not going to tell me to go home too, are you?” trembled May this afternoon

Home Secretary Theresa May was today forced to admit that a government plan to have vans driving round Britain shouting at illegal immigrants to ‘Fuck off back home’ with loudhailers, was “possibly not the very best idea ever in the history of the Home Office”.

Speaking to the Commons, Mrs May said “All drivers involved in the ‘go home’ pilot scheme, have been told to scrape the ‘Go Home!’ stickers off the sides of their vans, and then go home.

“The civil servants instructing them to go home then came to my office, whereupon I in turn instructed them to go home.”

But Theresa May insisted that

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October 21, 2013

Everything now brilliant in Syria

by philapilus
A basic gel fragrance air freshener.

It still smells a bit chemical-weapony in places, so the Foreign Office is advising British holidaymakers to take their own air fresheners. Otherwise it’s basically fine.

Everything in Syria has calmed right down, and everyone is very much going about their daily business with a contented smile, according to a new report published today.

The United Nations-commissioned report confirms that, by a bizarre coincidence, as soon as the world’s media stopped paying attention to things in Syria, the country’s civil war petered out, and hostilities gave way to ‘a general atmosphere of peace and love, sort of a bit like Woodstock, except nationwide, and without all the embarrassingly trite hippy sentiment’.

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Stuff That Doesn’t Stop When You Switch Off The Telly, said “It’s odd, but ever since

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October 21, 2013

France accuses USA of bugging onions

by philapilus
Onions.

The ingredients for a ‘Full French’ breakfast

The French government has taken the grave step of summoning the US ambassador, to account for press accusations that the NSA used vegetables to spy on the entire population of France.

Le Monde yesterday alleged that the US intelligence community used nanotechnology to impregnate every onion and head of garlic in France with tiny listening devices.

These would record and transmit data if triggered by certain keywords, such as ‘Al Qaeda’, ‘Koran’, ‘le Big Mac’, ‘putain’, ‘George Clooney’, ‘Barney the purple dinosaur’ and ‘golden showers’.

French Minister for

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October 15, 2013

People who work in Dubai “would have collaborated with the Nazis”, study shows

by articulatedsheep

An exhaustive study carried out by the University of Basildon has conclusively proved that British people who voluntarily go out to Dubai to work are the same kind of people who you would naturally expect to have collaborated happily with the Nazis in the event of a German invasion of Britain in World War Two.

OTE £125,000 pa plus excellent benefits

OTE £125,000 pa plus excellent benefits

Report author Bob Carolgees said, “Imagine a totalitarian dictatorship built on slave labour, where a moneyed middle and upper class can grow rich and complacent on the backs of the ruthless exploitation of human misery. And Nazi Germany wasn’t much better. See what I did there?”

The study explored the mystifying justifications used by ex-pats in the desert hellhole, described as “Mos Eisley spaceport as reimagined by the set designers who worked on the film ‘Logan’s Run'”.

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October 15, 2013

Triumph for Rainbow, as Trio wins Nobel economics prize

by philapilus
Zipper

In one memorable episode, Zippy’s master ripped his mouth off. And it still wasn’t as disturbing as the freakishly sincere singing trio. Still, their economic genius was undeniable

The Nobel prize for economics has been awarded to erstwhile children’s entertainment trio, Rod, Jane and Freddy. The committee cited their “outstanding contribution to the field of adding and subtracting low numbers, whilst helping retarded puppets deal with their pathetic assorted problems”.

Made famous through their association with kids’ TV show Rainbow, Rod, Jane and Freddy were part of the programme’s campaign to promote understanding of atypical sexual behaviour.

Whilst Zippy played a gimp-slave, George a womanising gigolo, and 

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October 10, 2013

Badgers ‘won’t keep still’ complains Paterson

by philapilus
Badger

The government has strenuously denied allegations that around 50% of the dead badgers had in fact been purchased from a taxidermist just hours before the final figure was to be released

Environment Secretary Owen Paterson said yesterday that the failure to reach badger cull targets was due to the creatures’ propensity to move about, and hide underground, rather than sit very still in the open for 12 hours at a time waiting to be shot.

“It’s most unfair to blame us” said Paterson. “The government cannot be held responsible for the unsporting behaviour of badgers.

“It is not our fault if the little buggers won’t keep still. How can

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October 7, 2013

Children not learning enough about make-believe

by philapilus
Picture of Gen Con Indy 2008 in Indianapolis, ...

How can Jesus compete with breasts like Carol Danvers’?

 A damning Ofsted report suggests that over half of England’s schools are failing to teach children enough about fairytales and imaginary friends.

The report states that Religious Education is considered ‘Bullshit’ and ‘An utter waste of time’, by a worryingly high number of both pupils and teachers.

Unemployed RE teacher, Tim Twanks, said “When I was working I saw a disturbing and progressive decline in the numbers of children who believed in magical superfriends that listen to their

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October 7, 2013

Cabinet reshuffle expected this week

by philapilus
English: More clowns at Clown School

The new line-up pose for a photo at No.10

Rumours of an anticipated cabinet reshuffle have heightened, after Chloe Smith and John Randall stepped down from their government posts on Sunday.

The two signed a joint letter of resignation, saying “Dave, you are a twat. We know you were going to axe us, so we’re off. Go fuck yourself with a splintery broom-handle.”

Although the Prime Minister has been relatively secretive about when the reshuffle will happen, a Westminster source says that the likely recipients of certain posts are “obvious really. It’s a no-brainer.” The expected changes include the following:

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October 2, 2013

McCririck Tribunal told ‘It’s not his age, it’s his terrifying face’

by philapilus

The employment tribunal investigating the dismissal of 73-year old John McCririck, has been told by Channel 4’s commissioning editor for sport to “Take a long hard look at his sideburns, and tell me you wouldn’t try and get him sectioned, too”.

John McCririck headshot

For a while this specially designed headgear held the creatures at bay, but they soon escaped from the flaps

Jamie Aitchison said to the panel adjudicating on the case “It’s not ageism. I’m all for watching old people on TV; they’re hilarious. Like that time Thora Hird fell off a Churchill stairlift and didn’t stop rolling till the bottom step.

“Hilarious.”

Aitchison claimed that racing-pundit McCririck was instead fired after a long-standing battle over his facial hair.

“We said ‘John; it’s

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