Southern England blown into Atlantic by storm

by philapilus
The North-South divide in the United Kingdom

Experts say that it will take months for the St Jude-battered country to return to it’s normal colour

The entire South of England, as well as parts of Wales and the West country, were last night being towed back to the mainland, after monster storm St Jude ripped them loose and hurled them hundreds of miles out to sea.

Although the search has been called off for still-missing parts of Hampshire and Kent, rescue-ships were jubilant this morning to discover the Isle of Wight, which had been swirling round and round in a whirlpool about 80 miles off the coast of Ireland.

Estimates of the economic cost of the storm, which veteran weatherman Michael Fish called ‘the embodiment of evil personified’, have been increasing hourly, but Minister for Storm Exaggeration, Grant Shapps, says it could be years before Britain recovers.

“I expect that it will be some days before we see power restored to many homes across the South, especially in those areas that don’t contain second-homes for MPs.

“But don’t castigate the energy companies for this; if it wasn’t for the failure of the BBC to maintain public trust, and the excessive borrowing of the previous Labour administration, this storm would not have happened.”

But whilst roads and motorways were gradually being restored to full-functionality this morning, Network Rail said that it would take until 2033 to clear the lines of leaves.

Until then the only train services running in Britain will be a hand-operated rail-cart between Portsmouth and Edinburgh (non-stopping), and the branchline between Maidenhead and Marlow, the so-called ‘Marlow Donkey’.

Network Rail Chairman, Sir Mike Hunt, said “In the meantime, could I just draw your attention to these blueprints for HS3, HS4 and HSses 5 through 11? You’ll notice that for only £5 trillion pounds, we’re offering to bring the British Railways back to Victorian levels of competency by the year 2121…”

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