HS2 alternative “Almost as disruptive as HS2” warns report

by philapilus
English: Danny Alexander MP addressing a Liber...

For decades hence an image of this face will accompany the definition of the word ‘Success’ in every encylopedia

A government-commissioned report by Network Rail and Atkins claims that the alternative to the highly unpopular HS2 rail link would be “probably almost as much hassle as HS2, so we might as well do it anyway”.

The report warns that upgrading existing rail lines instead of building unwanted new ones “Will be a massive fag, and will cost almost half as much, and since we already printed the brochures, and spent ages doing an HS2 Powerpoint presentation, when none of us even knows how to use Powerpoint; can’t we just go ahead and build it?

“It would be a terrible shame to back out, especially now that we’ve got the scale-model made. Look, it’s got waving children, and bucolic scenes, like something out of the Reverend W. Awdry. It’ll be ‘perfick’.”

Treasury Minister, Danny Alexander, said “HS2 is by far the more viable option. It will only cost twice as much as the repairs (which have inevitably fallen behind due to private industry’s complete indifference to public infrastructure – not that that could happen with HS2 of course), and has been expertly modelled using cutting-edge technologies.

“Provided our core assumptions are right – that HS2 will only take around four mornings to build, that the contractors will be 15 times more effective than previous government contractors have been, and that the North of England is a thriving economic zone, rather than, say, a financial and cultural wasteland of untold misery – I can honestly say that this is the best plan ever.

“Let me just say that again; This Is The Best Plan Ever. Nothing Can Go Wrong.”

 

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