Terrifying megastorm “will destroy UK”

by articulatedsheep

The Met Office has warned that the colossal superstorm about to envelop the United Kingdom is “100% likely” to annihilate humanity.

The unprecedented warning came as the Government raised the weather advisory status to its highest red, or “FUUUUUUUCK!!!” category.

More detail on the forthcoming devastation is currently emerging. The Government is reportedly confident that the early hours of Monday morning will see most homes “beginning to weep blood from their walls” as a terrifying cacophany of celestial trumpets herald the breaking of the seventh seal and the commencement of the last climactic conflict between God and the Devil.

Other side effects are likely to include the temporary closure of some coastal roads and precautionary changes to the timetables of some trains in the morning peak.

Gusts are expected to reach 80 mph – the average speed of Chris Huhne in a mid-range saloon car driving along the M3 in the late evening.

To cope with the emergency, all television schedules have been cleared to make way, on BBC2, for rolling repeats of old episodes of the late 80s sitcom Keeping Up Appearances (for the sake of national morale) and, on all other channels, newsreader Kate Silverton screaming “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” into the camera.

As is usual in moments of extreme national crisis, the BBC has also opened its secret studio one mile beneath Broadcasting House, where Nicholas Parsons, Paul Merton, Julian Clary and Sue Perkins have been assembled to play a game of the popular panel show “Just A Minute” for the foreseeable future.

Weeping uncontrollably, the Prime Minister announced from Downing Street that the storm would “mean the end of Great Britain as we know it” and that he advised the public to kill themselves so that they would not have to witness the savagery that followed.

Meanwhile, veteran weatherman Michael Fish has set off into the Atlantic from Weymouth, intending to fight the storm off with his bare hands. “Me and this motherfucker got a score to settle”, he told reporters.

%d bloggers like this: