Royal Christening chaos

by philapilus
Justin Welby to be confirmed as Archbishop of ...

Still missing

The private christening yesterday of Prince George was mildly overshadowed by ‘supernatural oddities’, according to eye witnesses.

A close relative of the couple said “It all started when Kate carried him in to the Royal Chapel at St James Palace. The walls began trembling, and the pews bounced across the floor, which hadn’t happened in the chapel since Prince Philip ate that dodgy curry in 1987.

“Then, just as the Duchess was about to hand the child to the Archbishop of Canterbury, the water in the font boiled and burst upwards in a torrential spout, in which the face of the Lord appeared, declaring in a thunderous voice ‘Thou Art Unworthy To Present This Child To Me, Justin Welby!’ and the archbishop was hurled across the room.

“To our horror, Welby’s crumpled body rose into the air, like a puppet, and his face contorted terrifyingly, then a voice of malignant evil spoke through him, saying ‘Thisss child sssshhhall be miiine! Through Him I shall have dominion over aaallllll the earth!’

“But the Voice of God spoke again from the churning water saying ‘Begone, Beelzebub, And Take Thy Banker-Loving, Oil-Baron, Homophobic Marionette With Thee! Neither He Nor His Friends At Wonga Can Withstand My Might!’

“Then blinding light filled the room, and, just as suddenly, vanished again, and Welby’s body was nowhere to be seen.

“The actual christening was carried out by a Chapel substitute. It was really lovely.”

The BBC’s Royal correspondent, Russell Brand, who got the job after stabbing Nicholas Witchell through the heart with a blade of purest obsidian, said “Awww it was all like really lovely, and movin’, and the littl’ babby, right, dint make a peep or cry or nuffink. Bless.”

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge said in a statement this morning that “Despite a small spiritual hitch, the service went as planned. We will of course be releasing an official christening portrait, and various associated china memorabilia, which we invite you all to buy, but we do ask for privacy at this special time. Privacy, and fame. And your unbending loyalty. Kneel, minions.”

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