Google changes slogan to drop the word “don’t”

by articulatedsheep

Google’s famous slogan and mission statement, “Don’t be evil”, which has guided the company since its inception in 1998, is to be updated in a move described by senior executives as “an inevitable response to the complex and fast-paced environment of multi-nodal digital paradigms in the transition to mid-century consumer expectations and the breakdown of traditionally-served content”.

Google Skynet is expected to launch in spring 2014

Google Skynet is expected to launch in spring 2014

The removal of the word “don’t” from the slogan means that Google will now exhort its employees simply to “Be evil”.

“It was holding us back.” admitted Google’s CEO and co-founder Larry Page. “Google has made the transition to a post-search environment, and as we spread our tendrils into every aspect of every human’s waking, and sleeping, thoughts and dreams we realised that expecting us to use our awesome power for benign goals was simply unrealistic.”

The move has been on the cards for some time. In recent years, Google has come under fire for the censorship of search results in China, its widespread policy of tax avoidance, the abuse of its dominant position in the marketplace to squash competitors, its opaque approach to political lobbying, and the enormous puppy-grinding facility at its Mountain View headquarters. Most recently, controversy has focused on Google’s decision to renege on a 2005 promise not to show banner ads on search pages.

It’s understood that this move will open up a whole new avenue of business opportunities for Google. Page explained, “Time and again, proposals will come up to me and the board from ordinary members of staff – suggestions that we should start running guns, commence a massive international campaign of blackmail and extortion based on the information harvested through our Street View cars, fund violent insurrection against democratic governments – you know the sort of thing. Well, we often get a long way into the planning stage, and then some wise guy pipes up with, ‘Hang on – this all sounds pretty evil. Is this evil?’. Everyone sighs, we look it up in the manual and yes, usually, it’s pretty evil, and we have to go back to designing quirky doodles to celebrate obscure anniversaries of things on the Google homepage, our designs for world domination once again thwarted.”

“With this simple change to our slogan, that whole problem has been completely turned on its head. It has a beautiful elegance that appeals to me – an elegance that is sadly missing in the modern world, but one that I hope to produce when the Earth has been turned into a fiery wasteland by plasma cannons fired from my colossal orbiting space station. There’s a certain ethereal beauty in four hundred mile waves of pure fire coursing across a blackened, dead landscape.”

“So, in short, current Google users should look out for some slight changes in their end user licence agreements pretty shortly.”

 

 

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