Ruby Tandoh responsible for Grangemouth closure

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed that Great British Bake-Off finalist Ruby Tandoh is to blame for the ending of petrochemical operations at the Grangemouth plant in Scotland.

Butter wouldn't melt

Butter wouldn’t melt


The shock closure, involving the loss of 800 jobs, is entirely at the hand of Tandoh, 21, who over the past ten weeks has inexplicably become a figure of immeasurable public hatred.

“Yet again, Ruby has ruined Britain.” said a spokesman of the Unite union. “Not content with bearing responsibility for the spiralling numbers of people forced to rely on food banks, and her gross culpability in abuse and neglect of the elderly at the Orchid View care home, she has now turned her sights on a critical piece of national infrastructure whose closure will decimate the economy in this part of Scotland.”

A number of workers at the plant were keen to express their outrage to reporters, but they all spoke with very thick Scottish accents which made them essentially incomprehensible.

Tandoh has brooked outrage in recent weeks on account of saying repeatedly that she isn’t very good at baking, but somehow seeming to be. Further opprobrium has been piled on her with allegations that she is “a bit sulky”.

The gloomy ex-model is suspected of being at the heart of a vast conspiracy which saw her reach the last three of the competition because the programme’s producers engineered it on account of her being pretty, because she has been having an affair with Paul Hollywood, or possibly because she’s actually quite good at baking. Experts have, however, discounted this last possibility on account of its inherent implausibility in the context of a television series whose sole focus is on people’s baking capability.

“It’s got ‘fix’ written all over it,” said Great British Bake-Off “superfan”, Michael Buerk. “It makes me sick, watching her mope about with her stupid Camden accent, telling everyone how rubbish her cakes are. And she’s studying Philosophy too.”

“I don’t think that it would be an exaggeration to say that she is worse than Hitler.”


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