May’s ‘go home’ van-drivers told ‘to go home’

by philapilus
Prime Minister David Cameron is met by Theresa...

“You’re not going to tell me to go home too, are you?” trembled May this afternoon

Home Secretary Theresa May was today forced to admit that a government plan to have vans driving round Britain shouting at illegal immigrants to ‘Fuck off back home’ with loudhailers, was “possibly not the very best idea ever in the history of the Home Office”.

Speaking to the Commons, Mrs May said “All drivers involved in the ‘go home’ pilot scheme, have been told to scrape the ‘Go Home!’ stickers off the sides of their vans, and then go home.

“The civil servants instructing them to go home then came to my office, whereupon I in turn instructed them to go home.”

But Theresa May insisted that the government pilot scheme had nevertheless been extraordinarily successful, even if “we didn’t quite achieve our stated intent of getting twenty-thousand pakis and wogs out of the country every week.”

The home secretary added “But so what? I’d like to remind the House that at least I’m still in the fucking government making decisions, and not sitting over there with my metaphorical genitals in my metaphorical hands like the fucktard opposition.”

Shadow minister, Yvette Cooper, rose to her feet and said “May I just say to the honourable lady that in admitting the failure of this preposterous and pernicious piece of policy, she has shown all the grace and finesse of a liquid fart?”

She then simulated a cacophonous breaking-of-wind, and the entirety of the opposition benches chanted “May’s pooed her paaaants, May’s pooed her paaaants” over and over until the speaker restored order.

This afternoon the government declined to offer statistics for how many people had actually been successfully encouraged to leave the country through the ill-fated campaign.

Home Office spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “We’re having some difficulty collating a final number for the section of the illegal immigrant population we did manage to convince to go.

“He keeps getting up and walking around the cell, which makes him much harder to count.”

 

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