Everything now brilliant in Syria

by philapilus
A basic gel fragrance air freshener.

It still smells a bit chemical-weapony in places, so the Foreign Office is advising British holidaymakers to take their own air fresheners. Otherwise it’s basically fine.

Everything in Syria has calmed right down, and everyone is very much going about their daily business with a contented smile, according to a new report published today.

The United Nations-commissioned report confirms that, by a bizarre coincidence, as soon as the world’s media stopped paying attention to things in Syria, the country’s civil war petered out, and hostilities gave way to ‘a general atmosphere of peace and love, sort of a bit like Woodstock, except nationwide, and without all the embarrassingly trite hippy sentiment’.

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Stuff That Doesn’t Stop When You Switch Off The Telly, said “It’s odd, but ever since the international press got bored of the situation here, there was suddenly nothing to report anymore anyway.

“Once Obama and Cameron had failed to get their countries’ consent for war – something which, by the way, even George  Bush Jr. and Tony fucking Blair managed to do – things just stopped happening. Sort of like when you’re at school, and it looks like there’s going to be a fight in the playground, and everyone gets all excited, but then it blows over and everyone just walks away. Well, basically, it’s exactly like that.

“There’s not even a small chance that the country is still a fucking hellhole in the grip of hideous violence, thanks to the careful belligerent ministrations of a dangerous arsehole dictator. It’s all fine.

“So you don’t need to feel guilty for forgetting all about Syria. I wouldn’t even bother to carry on reading this if I were you. There’s probably some celebrity dancing/cooking/singing contest on TV, presented by an aging yet-to-be-outed sexual molester. And that Sudoku isn’t going to do itself, now, is it?”

43-year-old bus-driver Rick Head from Maidstone said “It’s just like Iraq, and Afghanistan before that. Everything’s sorted itself out, and everyone’s basically fine, and we don’t need to even think about them anymore. Ooh look! Here’s an article about a dog that can play the flute through its anus…”

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