Archive for October 21st, 2013

October 21, 2013

Everything now brilliant in Syria

by philapilus
A basic gel fragrance air freshener.

It still smells a bit chemical-weapony in places, so the Foreign Office is advising British holidaymakers to take their own air fresheners. Otherwise it’s basically fine.

Everything in Syria has calmed right down, and everyone is very much going about their daily business with a contented smile, according to a new report published today.

The United Nations-commissioned report confirms that, by a bizarre coincidence, as soon as the world’s media stopped paying attention to things in Syria, the country’s civil war petered out, and hostilities gave way to ‘a general atmosphere of peace and love, sort of a bit like Woodstock, except nationwide, and without all the embarrassingly trite hippy sentiment’.

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Stuff That Doesn’t Stop When You Switch Off The Telly, said “It’s odd, but ever since

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October 21, 2013

France accuses USA of bugging onions

by philapilus

The ingredients for a ‘Full French’ breakfast

The French government has taken the grave step of summoning the US ambassador, to account for press accusations that the NSA used vegetables to spy on the entire population of France.

Le Monde yesterday alleged that the US intelligence community used nanotechnology to impregnate every onion and head of garlic in France with tiny listening devices.

These would record and transmit data if triggered by certain keywords, such as ‘Al Qaeda’, ‘Koran’, ‘le Big Mac’, ‘putain’, ‘George Clooney’, ‘Barney the purple dinosaur’ and ‘golden showers’.

French Minister for

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