Cabinet reshuffle expected this week

by philapilus
English: More clowns at Clown School

The new line-up pose for a photo at No.10

Rumours of an anticipated cabinet reshuffle have heightened, after Chloe Smith and John Randall stepped down from their government posts on Sunday.

The two signed a joint letter of resignation, saying “Dave, you are a twat. We know you were going to axe us, so we’re off. Go fuck yourself with a splintery broom-handle.”

Although the Prime Minister has been relatively secretive about when the reshuffle will happen, a Westminster source says that the likely recipients of certain posts are “obvious really. It’s a no-brainer.” The expected changes include the following:

Secretary of State for Education: Michael Gove

On discovering that Gove has done nothing productive all term except draw pictures of yachts and carve ‘I hate skools, skools is rubbish, when I grow up Im gona clos them down’ on his desk, Cameron has told Michael he has to resit the whole secretaryship “until he passes.”

Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government: Enoch Powell

Something of a maverick, Powell has been brought in by Cameron for “his exciting ideas, which accurately reflect the sort of society the Conservative party wants to see Britain transformed into. Also he has the same initials as Eric Pickles, so we don’t have to change any of the Microsoft templates”. As successor to Eric Pickles, Powell has said “These are big shoes to fill. No, I mean literally. They’re massive. They’ve got reinforced soles and flying buttresses and everything.”

Minister with Portfolio: Ken Clarke

After a year of being Minister without Portfolio, Ken has finally found it! “It was under my bed all along!” beamed a happy Clarke, “I’m so glad; it’s got all my O-level artwork in.”

Secretary of State for Environment, Agriculture and Rural Affairs: Charles Gordon-Lennox, 5th Duke of Richmond.

The Duke of Richmond is well-known for his staunch opposition to Repeal of the Corn Laws, which threatens to bring down the cost of the average family’s foodbill. Unlike Cameron, the Duke of Richmond does know the price of a loaf of bread; “Not bloody expensive enough, by Gad! How are we landowners, the backbone of the country, to maintain the hegemony which our moral and social superiority dictates we should have, on such meagre prices?”

Chancellor of the Exchequer: A small piece of cheese.

The small piece of stale cheese has been sitting at the back of the fridge for some time, and has gone hard, and a little bit moldy around the edges. Despite smelling quite unpleasant, the Prime Minister believes the cheese will be “At least as good as Osborne in running the economy”

Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport: No one

As the incumbent post-holder, Maria Miller, has successfully proven that someone can hold this government post for over a year whilst doing absolutely fuck-all, the prime minister has decided the position must be an unnecessary one.

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: