McCririck Tribunal told ‘It’s not his age, it’s his terrifying face’

by philapilus

The employment tribunal investigating the dismissal of 73-year old John McCririck, has been told by Channel 4’s commissioning editor for sport to “Take a long hard look at his sideburns, and tell me you wouldn’t try and get him sectioned, too”.

John McCririck headshot

For a while this specially designed headgear held the creatures at bay, but they soon escaped from the flaps

Jamie Aitchison said to the panel adjudicating on the case “It’s not ageism. I’m all for watching old people on TV; they’re hilarious. Like that time Thora Hird fell off a Churchill stairlift and didn’t stop rolling till the bottom step.


Aitchison claimed that racing-pundit McCririck was instead fired after a long-standing battle over his facial hair.

“We said ‘John; it’s us or the whiskers. It’s time to have them put down, or sent to a zoo, or something’.

“You could see from his eyes that there was some kernel of him, a lost, trapped soul, screaming silently from the depths within, a part that really genuinely wanted to get rid of the terrifying face-forests.

 “But even as he tried to whisper ‘help me’, the sideburns flowed over his cheeks like furry centipedes, gripped his mouth muscles and voicebox, and in that demonic voice we all know and fear from the horse-racing, said through him ‘We will never cut them off, we are PRRROUD of them!’

 “That’s why we pulled him from the show. And frankly until he sees an exorcist, a psychiatrist, or even some sort of biological expert in parasites, he’s never working for us again.”

Die Gartenlaube (1874) b 061

McCririck pre-show, before make-up have worked their magic

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