Women distraught as fictional character ‘dies’

by philapilus
Colin Firth leaving the premiere of "The ...

Colin Firth came to the door of his house this morning, to ask the thousands of women holding a candlelit vigil in the street to fuck off

Women across the UK have expressed their outrage this morning, after author Helen Fielding revealed that she had killed off the character Mark Darcy, husband of her most famous creation, Bridget Jones.

Female fans of Fielding were said to be ‘devastated’, ‘horrified’, and ‘grieving’, over the fact that the completely fictional character is no longer going to be written about in completely fictional literature, with one blogger describing it as ‘A death more painful to me than if my own children were drowned by a murderer’.

Unemployed blogger, Tina Twanks, said “Fielding has broken our hearts, and let us all down. This is the single greatest tragedy in my life since George Clooney left ER.

“Until now, my time has been divided equally between wanking over fictional characters, and then fighting with other women on chat forums about who loves them most.

“What the fuck am I meant to do now, Helen? Eh? Bitch.”

A spokesperson for Fielding’s publisher said “We had hoped that women could, you know, grow with the character and empathise with the very real tragedy that many of us…” but she was grabbed by a mob and crucified in the nearest Top Shop.

Wendy Nailinthehead, widow and avid reader, said “I think it’s great that a major author has made such a brave move, and addressed an issue that is so very real for those of us who have loved and lost.

“But then, I don’t spend my life fantasising that fictional characters are actually real, and reducing them to one-dimensional, sub-Austen wank-fodder.

“It could be because I am a widower. But I like to think it is because I am not a fucking moron.”

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