UK children can’t hold their drink

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles, British politician and ...

Why don’t our children want to be more like this?

There was public outcry this morning at the revelation that hundreds of children across the UK – many aged 11 or under – were admitted to A&E units last year, after drinking too much.

A BBC Radio 5 live investigation revealed that 6,500 under-18 year olds were admitted to hospital in total, of whom nearly 300 were 11 and under.

Minister for Communities, Eric Pickles, said “This is an absolute disgrace. When I were a lad of six I drank eight pints a day without throwing up once, because I made sure that I simultaneously ate around 70 scotch eggs, pork pies and assorted bar snacks.

“And so did all my friends. And not just the boys. It were a rite of passage, and we did it cos we ‘ad to. We weren’t namby-pambies like the youth now.

“Kids today are bloody useless. Can’t hold their alcohol, can’t handle mill-work, what can they do?”

But not everyone agrees. Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Centre for Underaged Inebriation Studies said “Ahh, wha’? Whassat? AHAHAHA! You woulden happ’n have fifty [HIC] penssse for a [HIC] bolottle of meths? Ahaha.

“Wha’? I’ll fight you, you tight littl’… I love yoyou, you’re like a [HIC], y’know, like a … a family person to me… Who are you again?”

Arthur Dodger, a nine-year old drinker, said “Look, I’m not trying to be cool, or follow a trend, or even bow to peer pressure. My prospects are basically shite.

” I am going to be educated under a system being utterly ruined by Michael Gove, completely unable to go to university because of Nick Clegg, and then spewed out into whatever little is left of the job-market after George bloody Osborne has finished destroying it.

“I’m not some youthful rebel. I’m just depressingly realistic about my future.”

 

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