The Tesco and Asda guide to mental illness

by philapilus
English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbur...

This person has depression. Avoid.

There’s a lot of confusion and stigma attached to mental illnesses these days, and so we’ve prepared the following guide, to help you know what to do and say on meeting someone with a mental health problem – whether caused by complex chemical imbalances in the brain or through lasting psychological difficulties.

Follow our plan and you cannot go wrong!

The Guide:

So you’ve met a nutter. Don’t panic!  It’s a bad situation, but stay calm, and this list will help you through:

1. The mentalist will not know how to talk like you and me, and if you try and engage it in conversation, it will babble incoherently and become violent. Avoid making eye-contact and do not ask questions. If speaking becomes unavoidable, use yes or no answers, and dial 999 discreetly on your phone whilst they aren’t looking.

2. The mad person will have crazed red eyes, foam-flecked lips, and will probably be drooling; avoid getting this secretion on your skin at all costs. As well as being highly toxic and causing burns, the substance is highly contagious. If you get mad dribble on your skin, run it under a burning hot tap, and call a psychiatrist immediately.

3. Do not touch the mad person under any circumstances; it will consider this an attack, and will go for your jugular. In particular ensure you do not shake the hand or smile at them. To the mentalist this looks like a challenge to fight.

4. The mad person will probably be wearing the uniform of whatever asylum it has escaped from. Take a note of the asylum’s name, which will be printed on the back, and get in touch with them immediately. Tell them one of their inmates has escaped, and give appropriate details.

5. The mad person will probably be armed with some sort of cleaver or other blunt object, and may already have begun psychotically murdering those around it. It will be covered in the blood of its victims. Stay away from these bodies, lest they reanimate whilst you are in the vicinity, otherwise you may end up surrounded by mad people. 

6. If you have to defend yourself against a mad person, strike first and don’t let guilt stay your hand. This is no longer a person with a soul, and it would not hesitate to kill you. REMEMBER: STRIKE FIRST AND REMOVE THE HEAD OR DESTROY THE BRAIN.  Tattoo the acronym ‘SFARTHODTB’ on your arm so you don’t forget it.

Good luck!

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Why not buy our ‘Psycho

Mental Patient’ Halloween costume?

Available at a shop near you!

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