“Al-Shabawhatnow? Ooh look, cheese!” says UK

by philapilus
Triumph Herald 1200 side shot

If those vicious terrorist assholes really want to get noticed, they’ll have to start doing quirkily interesting things, like deliberately not driving a vintage car for fifty years.

Halloumi cheese and a car that was only driven once, were the most important things in the news today, according to a poll undertaken by research group Views On The News (VOTN).

The findings were corroborated by the BBC news website, after articles about the surprising popularity of the cheese, and a Triumph Herald that remained undriven for 52 years, topped the site’s ‘most read’ table in the morning and evening respectively.

Views On The News interviewed a sample of 5000 commuters heading home after work, in an attempt to gauge the UK’s interest in global affairs. The results, it says, were not promising.

Wendy Nailinthehead, businesswoman and mother of four, (or possibly five, she wasn’t quite sure), said “I think halloumi’s a bit like rubber. I imagine it’s what a Staedtler eraser would taste like, if it tasted nice. Kenyan shopping centre…? No, I didn’t hear anything. Why? Is that where the halloumi’s from?”

Mike Ock, global business synchronicity streamlining consultant, said “Al-Shabab? Was he a doowop singer? Oh no, wait, sorry, what an idiot I am, I remember now; It’s a curry, isn’t it? Is it the one that looks like tomato soup? I love that one. I might stop off for an al-Shabab on the way home.”

Even defence secretary Philip Hammond admitted that he didn’t know anything about the news from Kenya, because he had “spent all day trying to find out what was going on with the Rolf Harris thing”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of VOTN said “It’s pretty pathetic, Britain, how sinfully self-centred you are. But still, it could be worse. We did the poll in the US simultaneously, and 93% of those surveyed responded with ‘What does “news” mean?’

“Utterly terrifying.”

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